Washington, DC Professional Sports Teams

I have been living in the Washington, DC area for 37 years. In that time I have followed the sports scene. I am only a big fan of NFL football and I catch the other sports on the news. I have seen a pattern in the last ten to fifteen years. I believe an alien force, maybe Martians, is putting something in the water around here. It is an evil conspiracy to destabilize the world. Everyone knows how many avid sports fans there are in the Washington Metro area and everyone knows that those same people control most of the American federal government. I believe the Martians are keeping the Washington sports nuts depressed to slow down our space program. Not only do we have the federal purse strings but we also have NASA Goddard just a few miles from my house. They also know that the Washington Redskins are the most hated rival of the Dallas Cowboys. Texas, of course, has the Huston Man Space Flight Center. When the Cowboys beat the Redskins; which has been the case more often than not, the feds get depressed and they are in no hurry to pass out funds to Texas; especially when the Cowboys fans are rubbing their nose in another loss. The Martians don’t want us pushing the space program in a big way or we’ll find out that they have been putting put cardboard billboards in front of our Martian probes.

The evidence is clear. Let’s run down the record of the Washington professional sports teams. We will start with Major League Baseball.

The Washington Nationals

The Nationals are one of the newest teams in the league.  They started off with a lot of promise and then we built them a brand new stadium.  Since then they have been in the tank.  They were one of the worst teams in baseball last year and this year their record is 11-25 and they are vying to repeat last years performance.

The Washington Wizards

The Wizards have managed to pay huge money for players that seem to sit out injured more than they play.  Their record was miserable last year and this year they finished 19-63 with no hope for post season play.

DC United

Our soccer (or football for my friends outside the US) team had been a shining star but the star has gotten a dim in recent years.  There is still hope for them this year though at present they are sitting squaring in the range of mediocrity with a record of 5-6-3.

The Washington Redskins

Ah my beloved Redskins.  If you look up mediocrity in the dictionary you will see a team picture of the Washington Redskins.  They have been hovering at average for the last ten years and last year they finally achieved it.  With supreme effort in the last games of the year the put themselves solidly into an 8-8 record; I’m so proud.  By the way; I do wish they would change the name of the team, I find it embarrassing in this day and age.

The Washington Capitals

Now here is a team we can be proud of.  They had a fine season with a admirable record of 50-24-8.  They made it to the second round of the playoffs and that is quite an achievement.  My problem with this fine team is that they will forever choke when facing the Pittsburg Penguins in the playoffs.  It is almost inevitable and it is very painful for me.  I have friends in Pennsylvania that are big Penguins fans so now I can’t mention hockey again until next year.

The capitals must have a filter on the water in their locker room, but it must ware out before the season is over.  The evidence is clear and I demand an investigation.  The Martians are behind it I know they are.